A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just
immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one
dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he said to the old gentleman,
"where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I
travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public
rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I
vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all
the stalls vere the men vos peeing and I say...."Give me a
dollar for Israel ,or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!"
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said,
"what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head,
... "not everyone likes to give to Israel"
====================================================================
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a
famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor,
I have tried everything but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place.
This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror,
point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".
Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same
time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.
Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't
have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely
said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband?
He's been having problems in a certain department...
how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About Two years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband
to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and
goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her
on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's
finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later
he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like
an insatiable young man.
After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the
bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious.
She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees
her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his
temple, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."
=====================================================================
הכי פיצוץ לדעתי
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last
day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded
to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the
size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
the priest said.
"No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind
of fish it is. It's a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
chimed the priest.
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.
"Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've
ever seen" said the guide.
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest.
"What should I do with it?" asked the priest. "Why eat it,
of course," answered the guide. "You've never tasted
anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch,
Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this
big Son of a Bitch I caught!" the priest said.
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary. "Father!"
"It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what
kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh well, then, what are you going to do with
that big Son of a Bitch?" asked Sister Mary.
"Why, eat it of course," answered the priest.
"The guide said nothing compares to the taste
of a Son of a Bitch."
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope
was scheduled to visit in a few days and that
they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing, Sister Mary?" asked the Friar.
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a
Bitch for the Pope's dinner," replied Sister Mary.
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
Please watch your language!" asked the Friar.
"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish -
really!" claimed Sister Mary.
"Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a
Bitch can be the main course!" replied the Friar. "Let me
know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine,
and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,
using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile creped
across his face, and he said, "You fuckers are alright!"
אשכול 2191
